I'M BACK...This Time it's for real ...I promise

Okay folks,

As you can readily see, I made a post four months back declaring that I was back. Of course, I lied. It comes naturally, but that's another story. Anyway, as any astute researcher can well tell, my claim in July of being "back" came four months after my last post. After starting with three months of furious activity, then jerking around with "being back", I am sure that I have dissapointed my eleven fans. I am sorry. I will now make a more consistent effort to post to my blog. Suffice to say, with the shape of the world as it is, there is plenty of politicians, pundits, and pedestrian parrots for me to scoff at, and I will....

The Buzz is Back!

Hey Folks, After a long absence to treat a degenerative rash inside my head, the buzzmaster will return to lampooning, lambasting, and languishing in blog obscurity this JULY!!! As usual, I will focus my laserlike dimwit on both sides of the political aisle, focusing on the absurdities of politics and world events from a point of view slightly askew to that possessed by the narcissistic meat parrots inside the forever loosening to accomodate for fat Beltway around the District of Corruption.

U.S. Tells North Korea to Go Bite Itself after Midget Commies Demand Direct Talks

(HELLHOLE IN NORTHERN KOREAN PENNISULA)- A North Korean official has reiterated Pyongyang's demand for two-way talks with the United States, a day after North Korea said it will abandon six-party negotiations on its nuclear weapons program and bolster its arsenal.

The communist state's envoy to the United Nations, Han Sung Ryol, said in a newspaper interview published Friday that Pyongyang will consider multilateral negotiations only after bilateral talks with the United States.

"Its bad enough trying to understand English, let alone four other languages, and with everyone talking at once, nothing can get done," Han told Seoul's Hankyoreh newspaper.

The Bush administration quickly and sharply responded, saying "All nuclear weapons talks must be multilateral. The Chinese bring all the good food and the Japanese always bring the Sake and Malaysian hookers. The North Koreans show up with Doritos and a Britney Spears DVD. Unless those commies can do better, multilateral it is".

Rumsfeld Stops in Iraq To Use The Bathroom

(IRAQ)- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made a suprise and lightning visit to a training base in Iraq on Monday, staying 7 minutes. During his visit, "The Beltway Bully" told a group of Iraqi soldiers to "stop acting like a bunch of sissy girls" and told U.S. Soldiers that "we can blow this clambake just a soon as these Iraqi bitches grow some balls". Rumsfeld then bit the head of a live rat, had a falafal to go, and slithered back on his private government jet back to Washington.

Senate Democrats declare " We are not a bunch of pussies"

WASHINGTON - Senate Democrats demanded Thursday that President Bush order a halt to personal attacks on the party's leader, Sen. Harry Reid. "This is a new Democratic Party," Sen. Chuck Schumer, D-N.Y., said at a news conference called to release a letter telling Bush to muzzle his "political operatives."

"It says to the president, `We are not a bunch of pussies'," said Schumer, who likened the attacks on Reid to political knee-cappings.

The letter itself was written in milder terms. "We urge you to keep your word about being a uniter and publicly halt these counterproductive attacks so that we are able to work together in a bipartisan manner and debate issues on the merits," it says.

A White House spokesman has confirmed that President Bush has read the letter and will publicly respond once VP Cheney and Mr. Rowe agree on what he should say.

Love struck Granny Lawyer Flaps Trap and is Now "Guilty" of Aiding Terrorism

NEW YORK)- A New York defense lawyer was convicted on Thursday of aiding terrorism by helping a client send messages to militant followers in a case that critics say could hinder the defense of future terrorism suspects.

Lynne Stewart, 65, a feisty defender of the poor and unpopular, was accused in the closely watched case of violating an agreement made with the U.S. Justice Department to limit contact between her client, Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman, and the outside world. Abdel-Rahman was convicted in 1995 of conspiring to attack U.S. targets, including the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.

During the trial, prosecutors presented evidence showing that Stewart broke communications restrictions when she took written messages made by Abdel-Rahman, and delivered responses back, often hidden inside a quiche or carvel ice cream cake. Stewart's defense lawyer, on the other hand, had tried to convince the jury that Stewart had fallen prey to the irresistible charm of Sheikh Omar Abdel-Rahman and that she "did it all for love". In response, the Prosecution had contended that what Stewart thought was love was really "just a one time thing" adding "just look at her". Ultimately, The jury went with the prosecution's load of crap instead of the one offered by the defense lawyer.

Bush Advisor Rove Promoted, Battle with Cheney Over Dubya's Soul Expected

WASHINGTON -- Karl Rove, President Bush's senior political strategist, has been promoted to deputy chief of staff.

Rove will add to his portfolio the oversight of all White House policy development and coordination of the Domestic Policy Council, the National Economic Council, the National Security Council and the Homeland Security Council, White House press secretary Scott McClellan said.

At the same time, Rove will continue to oversee strategy to advance his own hidden personal agenda, influence the president's agenda, and implement steps to further develop his mastery of government meat puppets.

Get The Shizz on Post Election Iraq with Buzz Columnist Snoop Dogg

Still challenges fo' troops in Iraq

The new Iraq's first election is over week old, wit da Big Baby Bush administration promising stand wit da Iraqi muthas as they press ahead wit da democratic process, know what I'm sayin'? But da United States' future there remains uncertain as da White House faces pressure from Democratic leaders begin outline an exit strategy, know what I'm sayin'?

Whether security can be created in Iraq is probably da most serious challenge facing da country, know what I'm sayin'? While Big Baby Bush hailed da elections because they wuz relatively peaceful, 45 Iraqis wuz capped in da process n' shit. And da main reason there weren't mo' attacks wuz because much of da country wuz in "lockdown" on January 30, wit snipers stationed at polling centers, know what I'm sayin'?

In da meantime, a number of Democrats are asking when U.S. troops might start withdraw from Iraq, know what I'm sayin'? While Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, stopped short of calling fo' an actual deadline fo' bringing troops crib, tha dude be like Monday that that shiznit's time fo' da United States "figure out a way remove ourselves from there wit dignity, know what I'm sayin'? "

It ain't gonna be easy n' shit.

Amidst da political back-'n-forth among Democrats 'n Republicans reflecting on how da election may determine da United States' fate in Iraq, that shiznit is easy forget what da elections meant Iraqis themselves, know what I'm sayin'?

What we seen is a mass procession of millions of muthas who, across a psychological barrier, after 30 years of being conditioned, of not doing anything, not even thinking, they actually took a step out, voted," tha dude be like."

And I don't think da Iraqi Muthas can never go back where that shiznit wuz.

Snoop Dogg's Weekly Shizz appears each week on the Daily Buzz.

CNN Clarifies Remarks by Idiot News Exec. Eason Jordan

Two weeks ago at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland, CNN's chief news executive, Eason Jordan, raised eyebrows when he suggested that some of the 63 journalists who have been killed in Iraq had been targeted by US troops. Although Jordan quickly tempered the remarks, a controversy has been building over them on the web. CNN has responded, issuing a statement clarifying Jordan's comments. It reads as follows:

"While the majority of the 63 journalists killed in Iraq have been killed by insurgents, the Pentagon has acknowledged that the US military on occasion has killed people who turned out to be journalists," the CNN statement said. "Mr. Jordan emphatically does not believe that the US military intended to kill journalists and now believes that the US military mistakenly identified the journalists as Iraqi civilians."

Bush Swimming in Deep End with Talk of Budget

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Bush on Monday proposed a $2.5 trillion budget that slashes domestic programs from farm aid to housing grants for the poor, as he sought to curb budget deficits that have soared on his watch.

The plan would cut discretionary domestic spending outside national security by 0.7 percent for fiscal year 2006, in what the White House called the most austere budget proposal since the Reagan era.

Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi of California called the proposals "really stupid" and "something you would expect from a man with a head up his ass". Bush, told of the Pelosi comments responded "tell her to calm down, I just work here. If she's got a real problem, she can talk to Cheney".

WOOHOO!! Dean on verge of becoming DNC chair

WASHINGTON: Howard Dean, the doctor, governor, and former presidential frontrunner is poised to write another chapter in his varied biography, as the new chairman of the Democratic National Committee.

Barring an unforeseen development, the 447 members of the DNC will elect Dean as their chairman Saturday, putting him in charging of rebuilding - and revitalizing - a political organization that finds itself at one of its lowest ebbs.

Dean did not respond to requests for interviews over the weekend. According to an unidentified Democratic spokesman, Dean is still recovering from a severe bout of laryngitis suffered during a maniacal whooping and spinning incident after finishing a distant third in the Iowa caucuses last year.

Iraqi Group Releases Italian Journalist Due To Lack of Interest by Anyone

DUBAI (Reuters) - An Iraqi group which claims it is holding an Italian journalist kidnapped in Iraq said Monday it would release her soon because she was not a spy, a statement on an Islamist Web site said.

"Since it has become absolutely clear that the Italian prisoner is not involved in espionage for the infidels in Iraq, and in response to the call from the Muslim Clerics Association, we in the Jihad Organization will release the Italian prisoner in the coming days," the statement added, "besides, she couldn't cook a lick. We figured she would at least know how to make lasagna".

Rice to Eurotrash on Iran: "Can't We All Just Get Along"

US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has called on Europe to show "unity of purpose" with Washington in opposing Iran's nuclear programme.

"Diplomacy can work" in resolving tensions over Tehran's nuclear ambitions, she said after talks with German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder.

But Iran had to show it was prepared to live up to its obligations, she said.
The EU has tried to negotiate with Tehran over its nuclear activities, but the US has urged a tougher stance. Earlier in London, Ms Rice - on her first overseas tour as US secretary of state - insisted that attacking Iran was not on the US agenda "at this point in time". But in a BBC interview to be shown on Sunday's Breakfast with Frost programme, Ms Rice had tough words for Iran, which she described as a "chief funder of terrorism". When pressed by reporters on why a tougher stance was better than providing incentives to the Iranians as the EU has tried to do, Rice swiftly responded " We will not hand out gifts or rewards to a terrorist supporting nation in an effort to get them to do what they know they must, unless they were interested in trading some Persian rugs for France, in which case we'd be willing to talk".

Wannabe Trumps and Stewarts audition

NEW YORK - Hundreds of would-be Donald Trumps and wannabe Martha Stewarts stood in sleet and rain just a block and a dream away from Wall Street Friday, hoping to be chosen for the real estate tycoon's hit reality TV show or the imprisoned lifestyle queen's upcoming spinoff.

Trump showed up to greet them in the street and plug his hit NBC show, "The Apprentice,"and the Stewart spinoff, for which he is an executive producer. Unfortunately, Stewart could not be present at the event because of prior commitments, including plans to fold hundreds of cotton hand towels and to teach her newest prison bitch how to make a lemon meringue pie.

Iraqi News Coverage Changes Tune for a Day

The news from Iraq has been bleak in the past year, especially so in recent weeks as insurgents ramped up their deadly attacks on civilians and the military in an attempt to derail Sunday's elections.

But television reports took a decisively brighter turn Sunday amid optimistic preliminary turnout results. They showed that many Iraqis defied the insurgents and risked their lives to walk to polling places and cast their votes.

As such, television anchors and correspondents covering the elections reported what they rarely report: good news.

In phone interviews, anchors from NBC, ABC, CBS and CNN all described how the situation in Iraq has gotten better since their last visits, giving the impression that it might be time to look at Iraq as a cup half full, not half empty.

"An Iraqi man turned to me today and said, 'This was a good day.' That's something you don't hear too much in Baghdad, and there was a level of surprise in his voice," CNN's Anderson Cooper said. "Something changed today. I'm pissed."

"It's human nature to be happy about a happy ending," NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams said. "And if this is indeed one step on the route to a happy ending in Iraq, well, you can bet your bottom dollar that we won't be here to cover it".
Williams said there was something extraordinary about watching Iraqis "cheating death to go cast a vote." He cautioned that Iraq is still dangerous. "I still can't walk freely out in the street.And that in itself is a major story we can hype"

Dan Rather, on perhaps his last major foreign assignment as anchor of CBS Evening News before he steps down in March, said he is optimistic about Iraq.Rather spent the past week with rank-and-file Marines. According to Rather "the troops believe the Iraq campaign is doable and that this mission can and will be accomplished." Rather added "But I don't put too much stock in the words of a bunch of jingoistic baby killers. There's a good chance that the ethnic tensions will rise and we can look forward to a lengthy civil war. I just wish I could be here to report the bloodshed."

Peter Jennings of ABC News could not be reached.It has been widely reported that he was seen jumping in to the Tigris River.

Kerry blames defeat on Bin Laden

US Democratic Senator John Kerry says a video message from Osama Bin Laden sealed his defeat in a presidential race dominated by the 9/11 attacks.

Mr Kerry told NBC TV his opinion poll lead over President George W. Bush fell away after the tape was broadcast.

Osama Bin Laden's video, shown days before the vote, urged Americans to back neither Mr Bush nor Mr Kerry.

Kerry went on to say,"I spoke with Osama days earlier and he assured me that he would publicly endorse me just before the election. I guess it's a case of classic bin Laden flip-flopping".

Efforts to get a response from Bin Laden were largely unsuccessful, but an al-Qaida spokesman reached in Pakistan said "Mr. Bin Laden has been very clear regarding his video just prior to the U.S. Elections.First he voted for endorsing Kerry,then he voted against it".

'Errors of judgment' made in paying Williams

Education Secretary Margaret Spellings for the first time acknowledged "errors of judgment" by the Bush administration in paying a prominent black pundit to promote its education policies, saying she has halted work on the contract.

The admission, in a letter to lawmakers, came as Congress' investigative arm on Friday opened a probe into the $240,000 contract with commentator Armstrong Williams, who has admitted that the deal was a mistake.

The USA TODAY first reported on Jan. 7 that the Education Department last year paid Williams, former protege of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas,to advocate for its No Child Left Behind law and urge other black journalists to do the same.

Sen. Edward Kennedy , D-Mass., on Friday said, "The president said that his Cabinet agencies made a mistake when they paid commentators to promote his agenda. It's more than just a mistake, it is an abuse of taxpayer funds and and someone should be held accountable." Kennedy added, "If your gonna spend the taxpayer's money and have some black guy pimp for you, your not gonna go out and pick some uncle tom who looks like a cross between Steve Eurkel and Orville Redenbacher". Kennedy went on to say "And make no mistake, if it there were a Democrat in the White House, you would have at least seen us go and get P.Diddy, if not Oprah".

Judge Backs Guantanamo Detainee Challenges

WASHINGTON - A federal judge ruled Monday that foreign terror suspects held in Cuba can challenge their confinement in U.S. courts and she criticized the Bush administration for holding hundreds of people without legal rights.

Judge Joyce Hens Green, handling claims filed by about 50 detainees at the U.S. Navy base at Guantanamo Bay, said the Supreme Court made clear last year that they have constitutional rights that lower courts should enforce.

"Although this nation unquestionably must take strong action under the leadership of the commander in chief to protect itself against enormous and unprecedented threats," she wrote, "that necessity cannot negate the existence of the most basic fundamental rights, including the rights of foreigners to blow up American citizens simply because of their love for Fast Food and Sports Utility Vehicles."

In addition, Green said that the government's definition of whom it can detain indefinitely may be too broad. She cited as an example given in an earlier court hearing, "a little old lady in Switzerland who writes a check to what she thinks is a charity that helps orphans in Afghanistan but (what) really is a front to finance al-Qaida activities." Green added " Without protecting the rights of al-Qaida to use little old ladies to help finance operations, we will never be able to undermine the security of the United States and bring down the devilish conservative politics of George W. Bush".

Giving terrorism the purple finger

WASHINGTON -- The badge of honor in Iraq Sunday was a purple stain on the index finger, a sign that its owner had defied threats, bombs, and terrorists to vote in the country's first free election in more than 50 years. Each voter had his or her finger indelibly stained after dipping it in a cup of purple ink to avoid fraud, and the mark will take three or four days to be effectively removed.

Many analysts were concerned that the purple stained figure would make the voter an easier target for terrorists. However, it was determined by election officials that the purple finger posed less risks to citizens than some of the other proposals that were made in pre-election meetings between officials. In one,proponents argued for having citizens dip their fingers in camel shit as a detterent to terrorist action. They reasoned that suicide bombers would not want to get too close to someone who smells like camel shit just before meeting with 72 virgins in heaven.Also rejected was a proposal to have citizens dip their fingers in Hummos, but that was rejected out of hand for fear that it would actually attract terrorists, who , despite political differences, are like all other Iraqi's in their love for the indelible taste of a freshly made batch of homemade hummos.

Iraqis Await Poll Results

As praise poured in from around the world,Iraqis anxiously await the results of a historic election that drew voters out in greater-than-expected numbers.Election workers are racing to count ballots by hand -- in some cases by candlelight because of widespread power outages -- to decide the outcome of Iraq's first multi-party vote in nearly half a century.

President Bush hailed the election as a "resounding success." He had looked to the vote as a turning point in the troubled 22-month U.S. military presence in Iraq.

But the ballot counting, all but certain to bring a Shi'ite party to power, is facing some heavy criticism from other political factions competing for govermental seats. Rumors are swirling around Baghdad that the fledgling Iraqi Insurgent Party may demand a recount. According to an Insurgent Party spokesman, "we are investigating reports that the voting was free and fair and that there were no hanging Abdullahs". However, rival party members quickly dismissed the insurgents complaints.As one rival member of the Iraqi Republican Party put it "the insurgents are simply out of touch with the values of the average Iraqi." He added "those liberal insurgents just don't get it, morals count."